Nov 21, 2015
Milhouse The Cat Talks Kitchen Hi-Jinks and Maintaining Position Within The Family Dynamic
I’ve shared a home with my cat Milhouse for over seven years, and I still find myself asking, “Why are you doing that?” at least once a week. Many times, this question pops up in the kitchen, where he has some odd habits he has picked up over the years. He hasn’t answered me yet, but a cat lady can dream. And in those dreams, this is how he explains himself.
1. Drinking from the Faucet
Which would you choose: water that has been sitting in a bowl on the floor overnight, or fresh, cool, clean water flowing from the faucet? I’ll also point out that the choice became even easier when you acquired the dog and I was forced to share a communal water dish with her. She stinks and she splashes water everywhere with her disgusting slurping. In this indoor prison you’ve trapped me in for life, faucet water is the closest I’ll ever get to the wild, tumbling rivers my ancestors once drank from. Don’t begrudge me that.
2. Lounging on Top of the Cabinets
Why do I hang out in that space between the top of the kitchen cabinets and the ceiling, you ask? Well, I could turn it around and ask you a few questions. Like why do you do so many terrifying things? Turning on the vacuum? Pointless. It obviously doesn’t work if you have to do it again a few days later. Bringing home a mini-person who squawks and stinks worse than the dog? Don’t get it. (Side note: Why on earth are you teaching him how to walk on his own?)
But the worst of all is when you move me from one indoor prison to another — it’s not like I enjoy being in prison, but at least my space was my own. I don’t think you realize how long it takes to rub my face and body against every vertical surface of a new place. Let me wallow in misery alone on top of the cabinets, please.
3. Peering Under the Refrigerator
Speaking of moving, thank you for at least moving to a city with an active population of giant cockroaches that sometimes fly. How exciting! It really adds an element of surprise to my evenings to occasionally chase them around, play with them, and let them scuttle away, free.
What? No, it’s your job to kill them. That’s why I sit and stare under the fridge for so long in that intent and creepy way. I’m telling you so you can go get the shoe ready. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.
Just kidding. I’m not sorry.
4. Setting Oven Timers
You say I walk across the oven and push the buttons, which beep in a loud and irritating way. I say you’re right — the beeping is really annoying. Can’t you do something about that?
All right, there was that one time an oven timer went off at 3:00 in the morning and I know you blame me. But trust me, I was framed. A giant flying cockroach did it.